6 Ways to Avoid Conflict with Someone You Disagree With
Certain characteristics to being human are incredibly personal, unique, and truly create the blueprint of who we are. A person’s perspective, sense of humor, and relationship to spirituality are some of those elements. Together or separately, these points of view are as singular as a fingerprint.
It’s interesting, though, how uncomfortable we can get when we disagree with someone's perspective as it relates to these things. What makes them laugh, their understanding of God, and other factors that make them unique can make us question our own beliefs. When we feel questioned, we can feel threatened, which creates anxiety and tension.
A kneejerk reaction might be to convince the other people they're wrong, to come over to your way of thinking. This is a self-protection strategy to ease our own anxiety, not to ease tension between you and the other person. The result is almost always strained relationships, unrelaxing and unproductive discussions, and an unwelcoming dynamic during the holidays.
So, what do you do when you truly disagree with another person and it spikes your anxiety? Here are six tried and true strategies:
1. Ask Questions
Arguments happen when we aren’t curious about the other side, but instead want to inform about our side and leave it at that. However, if you take a moment to understand the “why” behind the other person’s beliefs, then you will have a better, more personal connection to it – and be able to speak on a more intimate level.
2. Agree to Disagree
We can't all think alike! (That'd be very boring anyway.) So, it is very acceptable to “agree to disagree,” then let go of any animosity or resentment toward the other person. Agree to disagree is a treaty that says: if we continue this, things will get uglier and uglier. Let's stop it here and, hey, can you pass me a frosted sugar cookie shaped like a snowman? Thank you!
3. Separate Fact from Opinion
You can change minds, but you can’t alter history. Is it a fact the sky is blue? Yes. Can people have different opinions as to what shade that color blue is? Sure.
If the other person is interpreting an undeniable fact as a fiction, that's either teachable ignorance or purposeful gaslighting. Either way, at least around the holidays, it may be best to agree to disagree. As long as you're sticking to the facts while also being willing to end the conversation before it gets ugly, you can't go wrong.
4. Understand YOUR "Why"
We’ve all had this experience: in the middle of an argument, both parties forget why they're fighting or how it started. At that moment, you need to get very clear on why you feel the original topic is something to continue to speak about. Is it important enough? If not, it's best to back out of the conversation and leave it alone. Even the pettiest of disagreements can turn into something deeper. No reason for that, let's just give each other presents!
5. Stay Open-Minded (Or At Least Curious)
Go into each debate with the desire to be proven wrong and have your opinion changed. When you start with that tactic, it makes it so much more fun to hear from the other side. Also, it helps us not be so attached to (and defensive about) our original concept. If you stay curious, you never mind having your opinion changed. And if it doesn't change, then you know you at least gave the other side a fair shot, further validating your viewpoint.
6. Speak Your Feelings
Remember that all of the discomfort you experience inside of an argument is due to the anxiety you feel from having your truth threatened or dismissed. And it can be a wonderful tool to name that anxiety out loud. Try saying, “I’m having a hard time tracking what you’re saying because I’m feeling very anxious and protective of my opinion. Can you please give me a minute to calm down?”
When you name that feeling, it might help the other person recognize that in themselves. That can create some space for the two (or more) of you to start again – and listen in the future with new intent.
Haruki Murakami: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
This complicated life that we lead is incredibly painful. Loss, grief, anger, transition…all things that cause us to stretch and grow also cause emotional discomfort. In fact, even the most beautiful experiences can feel bittersweet at times. Yet, when we try to avoid pain, we find ourselves experiencing a different type of discomfort: the sadness of a life not fully lived. As the quote says: “pain is inevitable” and that means there is no way around it. The only way is THROUGH.