That's Not Mine...It's Yours
Read that title again. It's usually the other way around, right? Otherwise, it would just be theirs, no need to say a word.
Except in the context of emotional baggage.
Many of us find ourselves walking away from an intense conversation feeling the same way about the situation as the storyteller. We feel their disappointment or frustration. But why is it that we don't do the same when they share their excitement or appreciation? Why can't we feel equally responsible for their joy in the same way we feel equally responsible for their emotional baggage?
It's important to pay attention to how much energy we put into doing something to help others feel better about a situation. Sometimes, the person venting to you is doing no more than venting. Your role is likely to be someone they trust enough to express their true feelings. Acknowledgement—being someone they feel safe around—is likely all they need.
But what if you feel like it's more? Is it your people-pleasing tendencies that make you feel like you should get involved? When it comes to self-care, here are some crucial things to consider:
Don't Absorb, Just Listen
You’re probably a really good listener, which is why this person chose you for venting. But you need to protect yourself against absorbing that negativity.
You have every right to say to them, “I am happy to listen to you, but I only have a few minutes. What would you like me to hear before I need to leave, get off the phone, head out for the day, etc.?” Set a time boundary so can lend them your ear while also maintaining the energy to move forward. (It also helps the venter to stop wallowing as much!)
Or Don't Listen at All
You don’t always have to listen. In contrast to the above, sometimes you can say that you aren’t in the best place to be a good listener. So, ask if it would be okay for you two to revisit the conversation at another time. This creates some space – and gives both parties an opportunity to choose a different role in the future conversation.
Their Feelings Are Not YOUR Doing.
Let’s say you actually do something that your friend or partner considers annoying. They come to you and tell you that they are frustrated with you because of this thing that you’ve done. That feeling is still THEIR responsibility. The thing has been done, and what could you possibly do now to reverse it? Nothing.
This can be a tricky one, but it's where honing in on your intent is necessary. What was your original intent? Did you intentionally frustrate the person? Odds are that you didn't, so what they're experiencing has more to do with other circumstances and less to do with you.
Taking the blame for how others are feeling, even if they're attempting to place the blame on you, is taking on undue emotional baggage. And being aware of that possibility is one of the best defenders against it.
It's Not All About You. It's Not All About Them.
The healthiest interactions are ones where both parties don't make it completely about themselves. We tend to personalize things in order to make them something that we can control or wrap our arms around. While that can have good intent, it often gets in the way of the natural process of working through uncomfortable feelings.
When all else fails, learning to sit in silence and discomfort can actually have more of a positive effect than you would imagine. Give it a try!