How to Befriend the Issue (Rather Than Push Against It)

Sending negative thoughts, feelings, and vibes out into the world takes up too much energy. But it's a trap we all fall prey to at one point or another, especially during a rough patch. This brings to mind the phrase, "What you resist persists," which points out how pushing against something rarely results in learning how to live peacefully with it.

If something in your life doesn’t sit well with you, it might be time to consider how much energy you're using to combat it. So, instead, of pushing against it, find a way to incorporate it into your life.

For example, let's say you were recently diagnosed with depression, and you find it hard to get out of the negativity hole and make any forward progress. A technique that you can use to help you through this is something called “Befriending the Issue.”

If you make depression your enemy, then it will treat you the same way. Think of how much energy it takes to hate something compared to accepting it. With this technique, you're using a concept called “disidentification,” where you can take the diagnosis and place it outside of yourself. It helps you to use language like, “I FEEL depressed,” rather than, “I AM depressed.”

Remember, you are a person suffering from an illness. You're not the illness itself!

To “Befriend the Issue" means to make a character out of it. Imagine that your depression is a person walking around outside of yourself. Feel free to get detailed with how they look and act. Ask yourself the following questions, and start to build an image of this character.

What's their…

1.       Gender?

2.       Age?

3.       Physical Appearance (e.g., hair, eyes, body type outfit)?

4.       Clothing?

5.       Behaviors?

6.       Voice (what do they sound like)?

7.       Name?

Once you have a clear understanding of what the character looks like and how they behave, you can imagine the sort of dialogues you're having with it:

·       What does that character say to you in your hardest moments? Ex: “You’re not worth getting out of bed. You can’t accomplish anything. Don’t bother anyone with your negativity.”

·       What do you say back when you’re having a hard day? Ex: “I agree, no one wants to hear from me. I’m a burden on all my friends. Today will be the same as yesterday or worse."

·       But how do you respond when you are feeling more hopeful? Ex: “I am having a hard day, but that doesn’t mean I am unworthy. I want to reach out to friends for support. I'm ready to change my routine.”

When you personify the issue, you start to have a more intimate understanding of why it’s in your life. And instead of hating it, you can learn what it wants from you (and for you) and learn to live with it.

Your issue may be one that comes and goes. But it's important to learn how to function when it shows up again, and creating a dialogue ("Befriending the Issue") is a great way to do exactly that.

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