Why Do You Feel That Way?
We are living in divisive times, and we can see this division being played out right before our very eyes. And you know why? Because, no matter the topic, we tend to default to a place of defensive communication, as opposed to leaning into curiosity and feelings.
It’s not always about seeing eye to eye. Some topics are virtually impossible to agree upon because you hold such different perspectives on the matter, and the gap of common understanding is just too broad. We end up wasting a lot of time trying to get another person to AGREE with us, as opposed to helping them understand why we feel a certain way. We even go so far as to tell the other person how we THINK they should be FEELING!
Let’s create a scenario where the topic is: “Relationships with Exes.”
“Tammy is feeling sad and angry because her husband has been honest about having a cordial text relationship with his last girlfriend. Recently, he reached out to her to send condolences over a sad incident and used some intimate language to communicate his understanding of her circumstance. Tammy feels that it is never appropriate to use that level of intimacy with an ex and is concerned that this is a step towards her husband leaving her.
John is feeling sad and hurt because he feels that it is always appropriate to be a “good person” and to communicate with someone when they need support, no matter the nature of the relationship. He does not feel like he crossed any lines because the intention behind his choice of words was clear and he was transparent about the communication with his wife. He feels judged and that his wife is questioning his character.”
In your first reading of this, where do you find yourself aligning? This is your innate bias. So, do your best to move past trying to defend your side, and dive into the feelings at stake to help bridge the gap.
Did you notice that both parties are feeling sad? That is the common ground. Even though there are different reasons why this couple is feeling this way, they can work on learning more about the sadness and how that connects back to their relationship. There is also fear here. She is afraid that he is no longer interested in her and will leave her. He is afraid that his wife sees him as the “bad guy” and will always feel as though he is doing something wrong, even when the intentions are pure.
The best way to move forward is:
· Acknowledge that you see this topic differently and that you don’t want to judge the other person
· Ask the other person to name their feelings (Also understand that you are not responsible for their feelings and that asking about them doesn’t mean that you have to own them)
· Validate their feelings by saying “I can see why you would feel that way.”
· Apologize without using the word BUT. “I apologize for doing something that hurt you and made you feel sad.” If you use the word but, it then creates an excuse.
· Take accountability and offer amends: “I understand that I did something that was hurtful to you. I will be more mindful of my actions in the future.”
When you operate from this place, it focuses on the feelings as opposed to the logistics of the situation. People feel heard and understood on a deeper level when you acknowledge how they feel, as opposed to trying to persuade them to think differently about a topic.
related posts
Haruki Murakami: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
This complicated life that we lead is incredibly painful. Loss, grief, anger, transition…all things that cause us to stretch and grow also cause emotional discomfort. In fact, even the most beautiful experiences can feel bittersweet at times. Yet, when we try to avoid pain, we find ourselves experiencing a different type of discomfort: the sadness of a life not fully lived. As the quote says: “pain is inevitable” and that means there is no way around it. The only way is THROUGH.