A Field Guide to Pain and Suffering
Haruki Murakami: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
This complicated life that we lead is incredibly painful. Loss, grief, anger, transition…all things that cause us to stretch and grow also cause emotional discomfort. In fact, even the most beautiful experiences can feel bittersweet at times. Yet, when we try to avoid pain, we find ourselves experiencing a different type of discomfort: the sadness of a life not fully lived. As the quote says: “pain is inevitable” and that means there is no way around it. The only way is THROUGH.
Suffering is when pain is not acknowledged. It’s one of the cruelest things that we can do to each other, and conversely, when we can see each other in our pain, it’s one of the most humane and generous acts. Pain is a scary subject, and we tend to shy away from it when we feel it personally or when someone we love is going through it. Mostly because we just don’t know what to do, so denying or avoiding it feels like the best option.
But, when we don’t stare down our pain, it only worsens, and transforms into suffering.
To avoid suffering…
- We must become accountable to our pain, which means that we simply name the facts.
“I’m hurting because I miss someone.” “I feel pain because I made a rash decision.” “I’m in pain because I lost something that I’ve always wanted.”
- We must acknowledge our own pain. Don’t deny it. Don’t minimize it. Don’t compare it to others. Don’t say anything like, “yes, this is hurts but so many other people have it worse than I do.”
- We must acknowledge other people’s pain. Let them express it. You don’t have to hold it for them because it’s not yours to hold but witness it with them. It sounds like, “I can see how hard this is for you.” That’s it.
- We must give pain room to breathe. We can’t suffocate it. Pain without air is suffering.
- We must let pain come and go as it pleases. It’s never invited and yet we can’t just ask it to leave.
- Lastly, we must be grateful for it. Then learn to put it down and leave what’s heavy behind.
When you find yourself in pain concurrently with your partner, and perhaps it’s a pain that you have inflicted on each other, the same steps still apply because one person’s pain does not cancel out the other’s. If you stay stuck in your own pain for too long, it will become harder and harder to see how you are both suffering, and it will be the acknowledgement piece that will bring you closer to repairing your relationship.
With all of this, it can help to remember that pain is acute, and suffering is chronic. Emotional pain will lessen over time. It’s how things work. But, without the light of acknowledgement, you will stay in the darkness of suffering, and that is, if anything…avoidable.
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Haruki Murakami: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
This complicated life that we lead is incredibly painful. Loss, grief, anger, transition…all things that cause us to stretch and grow also cause emotional discomfort. In fact, even the most beautiful experiences can feel bittersweet at times. Yet, when we try to avoid pain, we find ourselves experiencing a different type of discomfort: the sadness of a life not fully lived. As the quote says: “pain is inevitable” and that means there is no way around it. The only way is THROUGH.